Dear Dad,
For the longest time, I’ve been trying to figure out whether I have a strong and loving relationship with my father. He always tried his hardest to be involved as best he could, being an active leader in my boy scout troop, going to my various track & field events, and giving me an endless amount of rides. He was always there. Yet, what bothered me was that we never truly just did things together. Outside of these group events, we never really bonded. He was always working 40+ hour weeks, god bless him, to provide for my mother, sister, and I. He busted his ass working as a waiter at multiple five-star restaurants and hotels. There were a lot of times where I just wouldn’t see him, because of how late he got home or how early he had to leave for work.
I remember when he got laid off a few years ago, he was suddenly home all the time which was something new for me. Watching his patchy beard grow grotesquely and observing his way of coping with the harsh reality that he was no longer the breadwinner of the family was a sight to behold. The frustration in his eyes was undeniable, but I saw this as an opportunity for him to finally get some much-needed rest. It felt strange to see him all the time and the tension in the household grew thick, but it was something that I probably would never experience again. It was funny to see him try and keep busy, he was genuinely trying so hard. Finally, he decided to go back out into the capitalistic machine and started to drive with Uber. He would come home after long days of driving with stories about the people he met. It was entertaining for him and a nice change of pace. He could make his own schedule now, but he still worked long days to make up the money he was losing.
When my dad found another job at a better hotel, it was back to the regularly scheduled program. After I graduated high school I decided I wanted to be in a different environment so I enrolled at Santa Monica College. The commute was atrocious, but I committed for two years. I spent most of my days there, while my father spent most of his days working so it became rare to see each other even though we lived in the same household. Then I moved to Long Beach to finish my journalism degree. It was my first time not living at home, but I would visit as often as I could. Being away made me miss my parents more than ever. The summer of 2018 was a rough one for me. I had been in a toxic relationship that devasted me. I didn’t tell much about it to my parents, but I remember one specific day when my father asked me to go and eat with him after contesting a parking ticket I had gotten earlier that month. As we ate, he asked me if everything was okay. Everything wasn’t okay and I spilled it all out to him. The advice and support he gave me were crucial to my healing process, and while I may have heard similar advice from friends and colleagues, his words had been the most impactful. It’s a day I’ll never forget, even if he does.
Skip to a couple of years later and a global pandemic once again keeps us all at home. I could feel the relationship between my father and me growing, even before the lockdown orders began. There was a day in late 2019, where I had found a capsule inside an ice cooler. My initial thought was, “huh I don’t remember leaving this weed in here.” Well, it wasn’t mine, so the first thing I did was text my dad. I asked him if he knew anything about it, and he just sent me a “shush” emoticon. I couldn’t help but burst into tears of laughter, but my mind quickly started to race. Did mom know about this? Should I tell my sister, what do I do? He got home shortly after and we laughed about it with my mom. This was an important moment for us because I felt like I could tell him anything. We smoked our first bowl together that night, something I’ll always cherish.
Some of my favorite moments with my father in the last few years have been him watching me graduating and letting me know that seeing that happen was all he ever wanted. He felt at peace. Some goofier moments have come when he texts me pictures of the LeBron James or Magic Johnson parties he has worked at. He understands what makes me happy and does the little things to ensure that he’s always thinking about me.
In the last few months, I’ve done a significant amount of research on Salvadoran history to get a better understanding of who I am and who my family is. Roberto Lovato’s memoir Unforgetting: A Memoir of Family, Migration, Gangs, and the Revolution in the Americas gave me a whole new perspective. The book talks about how it is very common for fathers in El Salvador to be out of the picture entirely. My father grew up without a father, known as “the bastard” wherever he went. Watching the last few seasons of Game of Thrones was a weekly treat with him, and I fully understood why he was such a big fan of Jon Snow, the bastard protagonist of the show. Dad grew up with his mother, but would eventually find a father figure in his uncle who recently passed away. I’ll never forget that day, the only moment in my life where I’ve seen him cry. It was a sight that was hard for me to comprehend, but it was also good to see him open up.
I’m not sure if my dad ever wanted to have kids, especially twins, but it changed his perspective. Deep down he knew that he had to be the father that his own dad never was. A lot of being a father to him meant being the provider of the family. While we might not have spent the most time together, he got my sister and I everything we ever needed. It took me a while to understand that, but when I finally did I had to let him know how I felt. After coming home from work one day I found him in the kitchen and let him know how I feel. I told him that he was a great father and that I was thankful for all the sacrifices. I could see the relief and gratitude in his face when I said that. It’s hard for me to express emotion, but it’s also hard for my father to do so as well. The more I think about it, the more I realize how similar we are as individuals. We’re quiet and bury things deep down, but we carry plenty of profound emotions. Figuring out my relationship with my father has been my own way of coming to terms with who I am and why I am the way that I am. I love you, dad. I don’t say it all the time but one day I hope I can be as good as a father as you were to Nicole and I.
